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All teams could face the Redskins' fate
July 1, 2014 - Paul Giannamore
As one who proudly wore jerseys and sweaters with a Washington Redskins logo on them during high school (Wintersville Warriors, anyone?) and who never, ever thought negative thoughts about those who occupied this continent before British settlers (I’m afraid I don’t know if “Native American” is the acceptable term anymore), I think that the Redskins flap is so much noise.
But, maybe there’s a point there. Maybe it’s politically incorrect to name sports teams willy nilly.
So, let’s do away with the Redskins, Indians, Chiefs, and Warriors.
I mean, is “Steelers” really a good name for a town that makes more money daily out of hospitals and hospital warfare than it does tons of steel in a year? False advertising.
As for the Packers, well, meat. Bad for you.
Rule out all wildlife teams as insensitive at best and inhumane to animals at worst. So no Eagles, Penguins, Cardinals, Blue Jays, Raptors (prehistoric wildlife counts here), Dolphins, Diamondbacks, Rams, Seahawks, Bulls, Timberwolves, Broncos, Mavericks and Panthers. PETA will thank us.
And be sure you’re being respectful of laborers. Cowboys are a forgotten breed but they’re about more than Texas.
The Oilers may be safe as a proper representative of the Houston job market, though Pittsburgh, Minot, N.D., and Cadiz, Ohio, could consider having Oilers playing for their pride, too. And the Mariners could play in New England as well as the Pacific Northwest. After all, it might be good to change the name of the New England NFL franchise to something else. The word “Patriots” could offend those who are sleeper cell terrorists, liberals and anyone opposed to the extreme parts of the Patriot Act. Or owners of a noisy little Jeep.
Anyone who has lost a family member in an Avalanche should be upset with that name.
The Rockies, while totally and absolutely beautiful, aren’t the only mountain range in the nation. People in the Alleghenies, the Sierras, the Appalachians and the Ozarks should be offended at the lack of teams named for their proud homes.
The 49ers, you say? A symbol of man’s greed. Abolish ‘em. Ditto the Nuggets. (You did know the name was about gold and not fast-food chicken, right? Either way, has to go. We can't promote fat-fried chicken eating. Wrong on so many levels.)
The Jazz might be OK, but what if you like Rachmaninoff?
And Giants? Giants? Can we get more incorrect? Do we mean “those of exceptional height and physical size?” And if we can have Giants, why aren’t there “Dwarfs” or “Little Folks?” And what about those of us of normal size? Or obese? Or paraplegic? Don’t all folks deserve a team name?
Rush Limbaugh, back when he (and I) didn’t take himself too seriously, used to do this weekly environmentally correct football pick. The Jets always lost, being noisy, fuel-wasting and in need of vast tracts of land in which to land and take off. They crash and kill people. They disappear. Who, therefore, wants a jet or a Jet?
And Pirates? I thought that would be OK, but The Drummer and The Boss noted that the name could evince nightmares in Captain Phillips and other victims of piracy. People who’ve had their intellectual property stolen might be angry, too. It could be considered a name lauding terrorism, so it should be rendered off limits, too.
And color names could be problematic if folks don’t understand the origin. The St. Louis Blues are musical. The Cincinnati Reds got their name from the color of their socks but didn’t call themselves the Red Socks, the name being taken by those Bostonians. Some people don’t like blue. Or red. And as for the Black Socks and White Socks, well, can’t we all just get along?
What to do?
In the automotive world, they’ve resorted to fairly meaningless letter-number combinations. Thus, Cadillac won’t sell you a Deville or a Seville but it’s got a big XTS for your or a sporty CTS-V. Acura can get you an ILX or an RL. And nobody knows just what Lincoln they’re seeing, but it’s an MK something. I think the good looking one is the MKZ. Maybe.
The Boss and the Drummer said the best thing to do is to choose healthy fruit-and-vegetable team names. Apple could not be used, however, because of trademark infringement and the insult to those souls who use PCs and Androids.
I’m not sure if rooting for the Celery Root would be so much fun, but the team mascots could be interesting. Imagine a seven-foot Ronnie Rutabaga plying the aisles at your favorite Major League ballpark. Rams fans could easily just put an electrical-tape “Y” over the “R.” And what if the Rhubarb get into a bench-clearing brawl? Could it be any easier for announcers and headline writers?
Maybe we could just sell team naming rights. Imagine the New York Trumps against Carl Icahn’s Raiders.
Forgot about them.
Better not change their name or do anything that could set free from the Oakland Alameda Colliseum that crazy army of fans in the spiked armor and chains. They need to stay there.
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