Remember how, not long ago, I was mourning my coolness? How, to my 13-year-old daughter, I had suddenly become the uncoolest of the uncool, without any warning?
Well, it has only gotten worse. If at all humanly possible, I have become even more uncool.
The other day, I was creeping on her phone and I noticed she had changed my contact information from "Momma" to "Mom."
"What is this?" I demanded. "Why am I Mom? I am not Mom, I am Momma. That is what you call me. This is ridiculous. I demand to be Momma on the phone."
I swear to you, she rolled her eyes.
"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"
"Yes, you did! I demand to know the meaning of this."
"My friends were going through my phone, and they asked why you were Momma. They thought it was weird."
"First of all, what were they doing going through your phone? I do it, but I am your mother and also I paid for it and I pay the phone bill, so I am allowed. Secondly, calling me Momma is not weird."
She shrugged. "I just didn't want to deal with it."
"So you denied me?"
"You're on there. Just as Mom."
You see? Not only have I become uncool, she has become impertinent and sassy. I might have to change her nom de plume from Sainted Child to Sassy Child. It's almost as if she had two personalities - the one to which I have become accustomed and a second, sassier one which I want to put into a box and ship to somewhere in Southeast Asia or the Middle East. Abu Dhabi, maybe?
If I needed my uncoolness driven home - I didn't - I got another demonstration at the mall recently. Sainted/Sassy and a few of her friends wanted to go shopping. I was fine with this. I enjoy shopping.
However, my shopping assistance wasn't needed. I spent the entire trip walking 15 feet behind them, so no one at the mall would realize that a bunch of 13-year-olds needed their parents to drive them to the mall. I mean, go figure, right?
I kept trying to keep up.
"Girls! Girls! Girls, wait for me, I'm old!" I hobbled behind them, desperately trying to catch up.
I swear, they started to walk faster.
"Girls! I will scream at you in the middle of the mall! I have no shame! Slow down!"
They all looked around as if they didn't know who I was. I was tempted to take off my shoe and throw it at them, but they were a good 30 feet away and my arm just isn't that good.
Also, Sainted/Sassy's good friend is dating the Salutatorian, her arch-enemy and academic rival (in my mind, anyway). Since this has begun, I have not seen the two of them more than an arm's-length apart. It is as if they are pulled together by some strange magnetic force or they're homing pigeons.
Now that her friends have begun to date, I am afraid she'll find a boyfriend somewhere, too. Probably somewhere completely unacceptable. I'm starting to hyperventilate just thinking about it. I wonder if there are any nunneries in the area?
The only time interest was shown in me was when it was time to hit the cash register. Then, all of a sudden, she was looking for me. I should have hidden in an aisle and let her wander around searching for me for once, but, alas, my paranoia is too great.
So - to sum up - I am uncool, but the contents of my wallet (what little there is) are very cool.
Maybe I should change my contact name on her phone to "Cha-Ching."
(Wallace-Minger, The Weirton Daily Times community editor, is a Weirton resident and can be contacted at email@example.com)