Writing down what’s hard to say aloud
Dear Annie: I am trying to decide if I should print out the following letter and give it to my wife. What do you think?
Dear Leigh: My goal here is not to blame or accuse or criticize. I just want to find a way to better communicate. Please don’t get angry or frustrated or feel like I am trying to attack you because that is not the case.
The area I am writing about today is intimate relations. We have talked about them before, and I’ve really tried to provide the requested time, space and distance since last summer. Unfortunately, I’ve not seen any real improvements in this area. My purpose is not to criticize or cast blame or anything more than to clear the air and understand needs and expectations. We have virtually no sex life. I have been the “initiator” in every encounter over the last few months. In the past year, you’ve had three, possibly four overnight sleepovers at the homes of various female friends, leaving your husband and small child at home.
My bottom line is that I feel like we are roommates who sleep in the same bed and raise a child together. We seem to live our own lives other than that. My weight gain hasn’t helped, and I know that, too.
At any rate, I really need you to be clear and honest with me, with respect to whether you have ever fulfilled your physical needs elsewhere since we got married 14 years ago, or even if you wanted to but didn’t follow through. Have you been thinking about it? If so, and you’ve yet to take action, is this something you want to explore? We need to talk about these things, no matter what the answers are. Mitch
Dear Mitch: While it’s important to have eye-to-eye heart-to-hearts with your spouse, letters can be a great way to broach sensitive subjects that might otherwise arouse defensiveness. The format gives each partner space to organize and communicate his or her thoughts and feelings. So, yes, give your wife this letter, along with a day to herself to read, absorb and articulate a response.
That said, this is but one tool. A marriage counselor could equip you with a full kit for rebuilding the channels of communication and repairing the foundation of your marriage. I encourage you to ask your wife to attend.
Dear Annie: All my life, I focused on my career and nothing else. I’ve lived all over the country and in Europe. I’m also an Army veteran with a lot of memories that will never leave me, including children dying in their mother’s arms. Those memories have shaped me into the person I am today. Now that I’m getting closer to the big 5-0, I’m hoping to experience what love is before he calls me home. What’s my honest chance to find love and be happy? — Miserable in Mansfield, Ohio
Dear Miserable: There’s no chance you won’t, if your heart and mind are set on it. Find activities that offer you fulfillment and enjoyment. Browse Meetup to see if any activities pique your interest. Consider seeking therapy to talk about your life experiences and the trauma you experienced while in the Army. Focus on nurturing peace and happiness within yourself — as well as getting out of your comfort zone, meeting people and trying new things — and love will follow. You must be whole before you can become anyone’s “other half.”