Hockey season has finally returned
Hockey. Hockey. Hockey.
Happy times are here again!
The Team That Shall Not Be Named has taken the ice again, dropping the puck, but also! — they raised the Stanley Cup banner.
In front of the Capitals.
The Capitals have many banners, but they don’t have a Stanley Cup banner. Don’t feel bad for them — they got to watch the TTSNBN raise theirs Thursday and Chicago raise theirs in 2013, so they’ve been to two more banner raisings than I have.
That gives the TTSNBN four banners, twice as many as Philadelphia — patooie! — and one for every futile decade Flyers fans have waited since the last. Nothing good ever came out of Philadelphia except for the Constitution, and they still had to amend that nearly 30 times.
I was worried that Space Cat breaking the Hockey Gnome — the Long Suffering Husband claims he is a Red Wings fan, and I believe it, because Space Cat is one of the Great Old Ones in disguise — spoiled the team’s collective juju for the foreseeable future. I even feared imminent serious injury to one of the players. When Sass touched the gnome, the Bad Luck Kid suffered a broken jaw within hours. No one has lost a limb … yet.
Speaking of the Bad Luck Kid, he is injured again. I have offered up a portion of my newsroom bubblewrap stash to protect him from further injury. It’s either that or employ a team of Pittsburgh babushka bodyguards. Every time one of his teammates tries to check him in practice, they’ll fend them off with their giant purses or pelt them with hard candies. Someone tell him Beau Bennett left the team, so there isn’t anymore competition for “most injured.”
I almost wished Beau good luck, as he always seemed amiable and played good hockey when he was able, but I glanced at his Twitter and saw he hates cats and mayonnaise. The mayonnaise thing is only common sense, but the cat thing gave me pause. I’m not saying Space Cat is on his way to Beau’s New Jersey digs to show him the error of his ways, but maybe someone better check on him before he ends up playing hockey in R’lyeh.
Speaking of player moves, who knew we would love The Player Formerly Known as a Maple Leaf so much? Toronto said he was a dumpster fire, but he’s just fire. (Please continue to score shootout goals, but maybe not ones that require video review, because I’m old, and my heart can’t take it.)
Thank you, Toronto, for your most generous gift. The TTSNBN couldn’t have won the Cup without him. Oh, and 1967. (I’m sorry, but the Fans of Rival Teams Agreement requires that taunt. I’m sure you understand.)
The season has barely started, and the stress nearly killed me three times Thursday and my liver is already crying out in agony.
I love hockey.
(Wallace-Minger, The Weirton Daily Times community editor, is a Weirton resident and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org)