The power of hockey gnome ju-ju
Y’all remember the hockey gnome, right?
It sits right above the television on the entertainment center, mystically beaming good luck to the Team That Shall Not Be Named. I’m not 100 percent certain how this works, but I know that it does — I’ve seen proof. Now, other people might claim it’s merely coincidence and it’s a psychological phenomenon, that my brain is looking for a pattern, but I’ve seen the effects. The cause is the gnome.
You may remember when I instituted a restraining order against Sass in 2013 — she is not permitted to be within five feet of the gnome and for very good reason. She mocked the power of the gnome, daring to touch it, although she has terrible luck that would infect the gnome and therefore send bad vibrations to the Team That Shall Not Be Named. She mocked the gnome and touched it — and the poor Bad Luck Kid paid the price. Within an hour of Sass’ desecration, his jaw had been shattered by an errant puck and he was eating Easter dinner through a straw.
Coincidence, my left foot.
Then, Space Cat attacked the gnome, revealing himself to be a Red Wings fan by deliberately pushing my talismanic tchotchke off the shelf and breaking its tiny ceramic arm. I had to fashion a splint with scotch tape and tears. We all remember how that year went — they lost 4-1 in the first round of the play-offs to the Rangers. At least no one died; the gnome is not to be trifled with.
However, if the TTSNBN is having a spot of difficulty, we can use the gnome’s powers for good. While Sass is radioactive with bad luck she inherited from her father, the Professor is a lucky child. Good things happen to him all the time without his even trying. So, when the TTSNBN is struggling, I always have the Professor touch the gnome.
During this season’s first game against the Flyers — I will pause a moment for you to get that filth out of your mouth — the TTSNBN wasn’t doing so well. I was stuck at work and had to follow the game second-hand. The newsroom doesn’t encourage me to watch at work. Apparently, I get too agitated.
When the TTSNBN slipped behind by two goals, I frantically texted the Long Suffering Husband and demanded he have the Professor touch the gnome and remind it that if it didn’t start sending some good juju, I’d be giving it to Space Cat as a chew toy.
I did not want to deal with a loss to the Flyers when I wasn’t safely home and able to medicate myself with Kentucky moonshine.
The LSH texted me a picture of the Professor holding the gnome above his head like He-Man lofting the Power Sword.
The Bad Luck Kid scored as soon as the picture appeared on my phone, and the TTSNBN ended up winning the game.
By the power of the gnome …
(Wallace-Minger, The Weirton Daily Times community editor, is a Weirton resident and can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org)