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A little politeness goes a long way

We have a bluntness problem in our society. Perhaps we should call it a rudeness problem or even a nastiness problem. Despite who we elect president and what we say about “straight shooters,” people very rarely like to be told exactly what other people think.

If people said exactly what they thought, the world would be a lot worse off. There is nothing wrong with saying you like the color of someone’s blouse, even if you hate puce. There’s nothing wrong with admiring your co-worker’s child’s artistic talents, even if you think their drawing of a horse looks like an alligator. If a friend has wonderful news — even if they are being obnoxious in soliciting admiration — there is nothing wrong in smiling and expressing congratulations, even if your teeth are gritted behind your smile. Added bonus: They will leave quicker.

As long as something isn’t hurting or affecting you or anyone else — and, no, looking at my poor wardrobe choices is not harmful to you — there is nothing wrong with shrugging your shoulders, minding your own business and saying “that’s nice.” We even have a word for it: politeness. Politeness can be applied to anyone at any time — cashiers, waiters and anyone else in the service industry, especially. (However, if someone is walking around with half a roll of toilet paper trailing from a shoe or an entire broccoli floret stuck in their teeth, you should tell them. Be judicious in the application of politeness.)

You can even be polite to people you can’t stand. We have all been there, usually sitting around the table with our in-laws at holiday dinners. If you can get through four courses with your father-in-law, then you can do anything. And that includes being polite in the grocery store line, even when you had a terrible day at work, are ill and only want to go home and crack open a bottle of wine, but the woman in front of you has three children who are all testing the sound barrier and your patience. Be polite; you don’t have to go home with them.

There is nothing wrong with being polite to someone even if you hate their guts. It isn’t fake, it’s strategic. The high ground is advantageous and it makes it a lot easier to shade people. No, shade is not about being rude or blunt, it is about couching your criticism in politeness. Also, deniablity.

I’d like to say I enjoy seeing well-thrown shade because we should be polite about criticizing other people, but actually it’s because well-done shade is more painful. (I’m advocating politeness, not sainthood.) You can’t complain about it, because you would look silly complaining about something polite and innocuous. Besides, you’re not even sure it was about you, and you would look ridiculous whining about something that isn’t even about you.

Just imagine a world in which every person who thought that something was terrible, ugly or stupid felt free to tell you so, even if you didn’t ask and even from strangers.

I am a misanthrope and I hate people. If I can manage politeness, so can you. Do it; I believe in you.

(Wallace-Minger, The Weirton Daily Times community editor, is a Weirton resident and can be contacted at swallace@pafocus.com)

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